“We need to talk” he said while rolling a cigarette. But what I was expecting did not happen. Half of me thought he was going to say this is the end of our friends with benefit thing. The other half of me was hoping he was going to say he was enjoying spending time with me. I was probably daydreaming way too much on that second one. But oh well, none of that happened, well actually all of that happened.
“I love spending time with you but I am currently going through some stuff so I don’t feel ready to date. But I don’t want to stop spending time with you. I think if we are friends it would be better” Or some pretty yet annoying stuff like that was said by him.
Poker face mode: “I don’t understand, you want to see me more or you want to stop seeing me?” I said, utterly confused by his statement.
“I don’t want to disappear because you are special to me (aww insert cute hashtag) but I am not okay to date, so I want us to continue hanging out but as friends” or some pretty yet annoying thing like that. (get the pattern?)
Poker face: “okay, sounds good to me!” I said.
No it doesn’t! I freaking like you and I like what we have, this little informal friends with benefit thing.
“Let’s do something, let’s go somewhere!” he said excitedly and we went and spent the whole afternoon together. As. Friends.
Days went by and I started thinking this friend thing was actually a good idea. I realized I was feeling lonely and could not identify if I wanted to be with him because I really liked him in a romantic way or because I felt lonely and he was a warm heart next to me. So, I figured being friends would clarify everything for me.
“We. Are. Just. friends” I kept telling myself and so I acted as a friend. We joked, we hung out, we texted everyday (is that a normal friend thing to do? Who knows). We even hung out four days in a row. As. Friends.
On the fourth day of that non-stop hanging out sessions we decided to get together to have dinner. We laughed, talked and drank. He stayed to sleep. Yes, he stayed over. As. friends.
I took my bra off, put my pajamas on and hopped into bed. He put on some shorts and went into bed. The same bed.
“Can I hug you?” I said. I was feeling like a hug. “Yes, of course” he said. And we hugged. As. friends.
I felt like kissing him, so why not? I thought. I kissed his neck, he smiled. 10 seconds or three hours passed by. We hugged tighter, he leaned his head, looked me in the eyes and kissed me. As. Friends?
Ok, that last part didn’t happen. He stayed over to sleep but: As. Friends.
Sadly we don’t live in a romantic movie. And sometimes, in real life, things go differently to what is expected. Sometimes due to fear, due to traumas, due to shenanigans...
Sometimes there is chemistry and sometimes... friendship. In other words, when all else fails, friendship.