Keeping secrets or taking your time?

First of all I want to thank for including my blog in their “Top 20 Feminist Blogs & Websites For Women in 2020”. It is truly an honor to even be considered to be up in this list with these amazing blogs, so thank you Feedspot!

Now let’s dive into today’s post!

I was at a bar when I suddenly started paying attention to the music. I heard the sentence “I don’t want to keep secrets to keep you”. It was from the song “Cruel Summer” by Taylor Swift and it made me wonder: How honest should we be at the beginning of a relationship?

I know a man who found out his partner was diabetic after they got married. I know another man who didn’t tell his partner he smoked pot until they had been dating for three years. Maybe these cases sound extreme, but I started asking around and found out they were not rare.

In my head, being honest is telling the other person everything. However, if you don’t tell the person everything, does it mean you are lying? “If you aren’t being honest it means you are lying” said a friend.

I believe that there are cases and cases. Let’s look at the example from the movie “Along came Polly”. He had Irritable bowel syndrome and couldn’t eat spicy food. He did not tell her, he lied saying he loved spicy food. Well, that, in my opinion, is wrong. You are basically tricking someone into believing you are what they want you to be.

However, if you realize you have feelings for someone and you don’t tell them right away, does it mean you are lying? In my opinion: No. You are just not saying the truth because you might be afraid of rejection.

As always, I wondered about my own life. I have mentioned a guy who I had a thing with, (whatever it was, it was a beautiful story). He inspired some post like for example “Emotionally unavailable or asshole?”.

Let’s call him W (from the word “whatever”, because he is not my ex boyfriend, but he wasn’t a one night stand, he was whatever there is in the middle).

I knew I had feelings for W probably after the first week. Too soon you might say, but as I mentioned in other posts we were long time friends. It was maybe a week after our first kiss that I realized he was someone special, someone I wanted to get to know even more. Did I tell him? No! Why? Because by normal standards it was way too soon. Was I being dishonest? Or was I protecting my heart?

So, where is the limit? Is there a limit? Probably yes. However, I wonder where it is.

When starting a relationship, is not telling everything the same thing as keeping secrets? I know a woman who had a difficult childhood, is she meant to tell her story on her first date? If she wants to, of course she can, but does she have to? No, because we have some secrets kept very well locked which we tell the significant other when we are ready and when the relationship is ready, if that is one week or two months, that is yours to decide. 

The limit is when you lie to appear to be the person the other person wants you to be, or at least that is was I think. “Do you like strawberries?” I asked on a date.

 “Of course, who doesn’t?”. He replied.

 “Well I don’t” I said and it became a funny story. If you like them I am not offended, it is ok for you to like them!

However, the problem arises when we are lying or omitting something important. You might need a couple of months to tell your significant other something, but if after a while you still don’t feel comfortable telling them, it is because something wrong is happening in that relationship.

“Do you believe in equal rights?” is a question I would like to not be lied about because it is something very important to me. I once dated a guy who for months made me believe he was a feminist, he would act like it, talk like it. However, one day he got mad and vomited a whole sexist speech which made me realize: Oh oh, I’ve been lied to! Obviously that was the end of that story.

So in other words, not telling everything is not the same as lying. When we trick someone into believing we are someone we are not, then that is wrong. But if you need some time for the relationship to grow before telling the other person a secret, that is ok. However, for the benefit of your honest relationship, I wouldn’t recommend taking years like the first examples I talked about in this post.